i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
