I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
