im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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