I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
