your thong is hanging out like whoa
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
