i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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