I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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