Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
They have beer where we have blood.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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