Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's not a walk of shame if you run
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
