you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
