My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize