No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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