if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
