Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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