just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
