you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
