I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
