She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
