she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
