On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
