my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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