Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize