I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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