one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize