I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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