you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
