I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
