I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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