And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize