dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Randomize
