thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
