you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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