i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize