Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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