did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My life is pants optional.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
