Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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