If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
