sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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