If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he was CRYING into my vagina
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
