I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
