She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
