That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Randomize
