She is in my trunk
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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