weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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