when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
