I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
