He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
it's great music for shaving your balls
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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