Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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