dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize