i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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