I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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