Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You did what with his pubic hair?
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