Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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