He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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